It’s 3 am. I can’t sleep. How many writers do you hear say that one? I’m hunting the house for chocolate but cannot find any and the miserable one dollar coin in my wallet will not buy me a skerrick of chocolate even if I walked the streets looking for a 7 Eleven.
So, lovers and wanderlusters here I am watching the cursor flash on the screen. I know I’m supposed to write something. Anything. Something witty or clever or insightful, but no matter how hard I try to pull something out of my box of tricks, nothing is forthcoming.
I dare not make coffee or I’ll be here for eternity and sleep the fucking day away tomorrow, which reminds me tomorrow is here already. Here in Australia it’s ‘Bogan day’ uh, um, I mean ‘Australia Day‘ – for all of those I’ve just offended, I apologise, and before you start sending me hate mail, just let me remind you this is my blog and I can say whatever the fuck I like 🙂
I’m now making toast and I will smother it with jam or honey or some such sweetener since I don’t have chocolate and continue with this post. And no the sugar hit will surely not sweeten me up, but my body is craving it anyway, so I’m going to give it what it wants and that is that.
Okay, let’s get down to the nitty gritty shall we? Let’s get to the core of what this post is about. I guess, I’m angry. Uh, no, I AM angry. No guessing about it, in fact I’m fucked off. I’m sitting here with my head splitting in two wishing I had an axe to sever the pain and humiliation I feel right now.
I promised to deliver to you from my heart to yours, so lovers and wanderlusters here it is. The cold hard truth of where I’m at right now. This journey that I want to blog and share with you is going to be random. It will be talking anything from elves, unicorns, death and tornados…well no probably not elves, but death, loss, destruction, love and joy and travel and pictures and poetry. Yes, poetry. Poems that will slam you against the wall and bruise your ribs. Poems that will crush you to tears with loss and poems that will make you smile and warm your heart.
Here’s one for you now. You decide what category it fits into and then let me know in the comments below.
I waved her along in her dust covered coat
Forlorn as she seemed, compassion had left me
Who was she?
A trigger of sadness I remembered but no longer related.
She buried herself beneath a garbage can
Shaking from the cold
her grimy fingers reached out to mine
Repelled by her
I slung her a look
the look of disdain
rage upon her lips
Fury in my heart
I waved her along in her dust covered coat
and crumpled in the dark alleyway
Tear stained face
dripping of black smudged mascara that grimed my cheeks
I’d waved her along too many times
wallowing in my own disgrace
I’d let her down
I’d watched her from near and far
I reached for her grimy hands and knew
they were mine all along.
~ Samira Wyld #awyldlovenote
…my toast. My toast is waiting so wait up lovers….
Okay, now sorta happy. It’s not chocolate but it’s sweet. Oh fuck now the honey has run onto my keyboard. What a mess… what a fucking mess. Yes, I’m speaking metaphorically. Everything feels like one big fucking mess!
I recently wrote a post about the joylessness in the movie JOY and while I didn’t give it a very good rap, I have to take it all back, because I haven’t stopped thinking about this film since I saw it a week ago. Soooooo’ that tells me one of two things, the writer and director actually did their job because I walked away feeling something and am still thinking something one week on, if it was a shit film, I would not have given it a second thought and secondly, I wonder if it was the underlying truth behind the facade of the hollywood humour and so called happy ending. The truth of the mundane, the truth of the struggle of life, the truth of the dysfunction of family dynamics, the truth of having a passion that only you, the creator can possibly know how crazy that feels. To be obsessed and driven by a belief or a vision or a purpose that only makes sense to YOU.
So, this crazy little movie that I dismissed as ‘meh’ is growing inside of me like some kind of metaphor for life. I will need to watch this film again, and the writer and director in me will critique the crap out of it to get to the root of what David O Russell who directed and wrote the screenplay was really trying to say. Oh, wait…maybe I’m reading too much into this. I do have a habit of doing this in my creative and my supposed real life. What the fuck is a real life anyway if not my creative one?
I guess we all stumble along, day to day, wondering if life will turn, change direction and fill us with the happy that we so desperately seek. Oh, don’t get me wrong there is much to be grateful for, to be happy about, to find joy in the mundane, peace in the chaos, love over the fear. It’s all there for the taking, and I like to think most of the time, I’m in. I’m with you. I’m rooting for you as if I were a great Red Sox fan. Why is an Australian talking about the Red Sox? because the writer is an avid Stephen King fan, and Steve loves the Red Sox, hello, isn’t that enough? It’s enough for this little black duck. It makes more sense to me than to follow any Australian sport. Oops, there I go again offending all the AFL and rugby supporters in this country. Oh well, shoot me. I don’t really care.
This is my blog and I will say whatever the fuck I like, all with a smile 🙂
Anyways, as I was saying, do you ever just wake up in the morning and wish you could leave your life. You know, just pack a bag, walk out the door, don’t call home, the office, your significant other, the kids, the school, the whatever, hop on the next bus, train, plain or passing automobile and just disappear. Of course, you haven’t really disappeared unless of course you get caught up in a horrible version of the movie ‘Wolf Creek’ but you get the picture.
No-one knows where you are. It’s like playing hide-and-seek but you can’t be found. You entered the twilight zone or the Bermuda triangle and you have simply disappeared from your life as you have known it.
Don’t you ever wish you could just change the channel of the movie that is your life and live in another one?
Test drive it for a week or two, see how it feels, if you don’t like it coz you just entered the movie, ‘The Loved Ones’ and trust me you do not want to be in that movie.
Maybe you want to be in Sweet November, where you feel blissful joy for one whole month of your life, or my personal favourite ‘The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ where all sad, painful memories of your past lovers are magically erased, and you can just pick up the pieces and move on with your life without the grief or loss.
I remember when I first saw that film, that I was distressed as Jim Carey desperately fought to keep his memories as they were slowly being erased, how he panicked at the last minute and I remember cheering him on and shedding tears unimaginable for the loss of the loss, how could he want to lose those beautiful memories of someone he once cherished, but now when I find myself in this movie of loss and grief of too many things to mention here, I want those memories erased. I want to pack that bag and walk out of my life and not say a single word to a single soul who knows me. Not to hurt them. No, never to hurt them, although I know it would, but to stop my own pain, even just for a second. To walk away down that street, to arrive in a town where nobody knows you and you have severed all connection from social media, your phone, everything…
…Now, enter second favourite movie ‘Into the Wild‘ I so get that film a thousand fold. Alexander Supertramp or Christopher McCandless as he soon came to ‘calling each thing by it’s proper name’.
“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.”
― Christopher McCandless
Christopher just up and disappeared. He felt like his whole life had been fiction and once he graduated he left home without a word to head to Alaska. Some would say he was looking for adventure, but he actually was searching for himself. I too have been accused of looking for adventure, but like Chris McCandless, I know that feeling, that deep desire to search for one self, and sometimes it’s in the disappearing that one can find it.
How many of you loved ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ ? Was that not Liz Gilbert’s search for self? Sure, we all don’t have to leave home to do it, we can find ourselves right here in the now, while keeping our families together, earning a living and staying integrated into society. But there are some of us who just have to leave.
Now back to Chris McCandless, it was his sister who even through her own grief and loss of losing her brother, while watching her parents grieve of losing him to the wild, never judged him, she quietly and simply understood. She loved him and understood him in a way his parents were incapable of, mostly because of their own guilt, shame and dysfunction, and in that unconditional love, his sister wished nothing but love and compassion for Chris. And I believe Chris knew this, this is what kept him going, kept him striving to reach Alaska, but most importantly find himself.
Don’t we all need someone like that in our life? I know I do. In fact, I know I have that one person in my life and I am lucky. I am lucky to know that how crazy I ever get, let’s face it we all have the power to be crazy, but do we all have the guts to pull it off. You might not call it courage, you might call it selfish, I’ve heard that one many times in my lifetime too.
Yes, I am lucky to know that one person will not judge me in my craziness or courage to leave my life. I know in that moment of my craziness the loss and grief will be felt, but I also know I will be understood, and that’s a powerful thing to have in a friendship, and that, right there lovers is what keeps me going each day. It’s that friendship that keeps me alive, knowing I can be ME, the messed up crazy, beautiful me, and still be loved unconditionally. It’s the most perfect gift one can give another and I couldn’t ask for more. So, for that I am truly grateful.
- In this moment, right here, right now, what do you feel grateful for?
- Do you ever imagine walking out of your life and if you do, what will it look like?
This feels like a big topic for me, in fact it is a big topic for me, in part of what this blog is about, sharing life’s journey through words and pictures, so please come share your dreams, your hopes, your desires, your sadness, your grief and leave your comment below.
I promise to take the time and read every comment and respond to every single one of them.
Big love and Peace out ✌
xo Peace Warrior ☮