because I’m so fucking curious, and cannot think of a better title :-)

curious cat
Image: attackofthecute.com

Hey lovers of all things wanderlustful, I’m on a bit of a blogging spree. It’s like my brain: Just. Won’t. Shut. Up.

I was just wandering around my Instagram feed, as you do, BTW please come by and say hello @samirawyld and I was checking out @gabbybernstein and I found this pic below.

instagram gabbyIt was interesting as when I scrolled down her feed to read everyone’s comments in response to this, most of which were really positive, how sometimes we just need to be silent. And that there is power in that silence of which we are equally responsible for. There was however, one exception, one comment that jumped out at me about being careful in adopting this ‘silent treatment’ as it can be seen as stone walling.  Stonewalling wtf right? I don’t know about you, but I had to look that shit up. Google is my friend 🙂

So, what is it?  First up, I think it was a great comment because it got be curious, and now I’ve learned something, but in context to what Gabby was posting with the above quote, I have to disagree, and would not confuse this with stonewalling. But because I’m so fucking curious, here’s what I found out.

In a nutshell: According to John Gottman’s research, stonewalling is different from an occasional timeout to calm down or collect your thoughts, stonewalling is absolute refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. If you listen at all, you do it dismissively or contemptuously.

The common songs of the stonewaller are:

“Just leave me alone…”
“Do whatever you want…”
“End of conversation…”
“Stop talking…”
“Get out of my face…”
“That’s enough…”
“I’ve had it!”

And from the same article as mentioned above, it had this to say about

dv702064
Image: utahmarriage.usu.edu

Frustration vs Painful

The experience of being stonewalled tends to be different for men and women. Men who are stonewalled feel frustrated – their goal of resolution is blocked by the stonewalling. But the experience is downright painful for women who are stonewalled, as they are apt to feel isolated – a sense that no one cares about them. To understand the effects of stonewalling on most women, a man need only think of how bad humiliation feels. That’s how isolation feels to his partner, which is why she tries so hard to break through the stone wall.

Men are less likely than women to know when they stonewall, because it seems so natural for them. A sure sign that a man is stonewalling is if he believes his partner nags him. That means he’s not listening. The nagging partner is an unheard partner.

An excerpt taken from the following article: Psychology Today

abuse
Image: relateinstitute.com

Stonewalling is also apparently more prevalent in abusive relationships.  Here’s a great article that goes into this in more detail. And the more I delved, the more frightening it all became. One thing led to another, especially in abusive relationships, where often the stonewaller is a sociopath or psychopath depending what school of thought you follow. The two are difficult to define.

Stonewalling is when someone shuts you down from communicating. He just “bails” on your efforts at communication, refuses to take you seriously; refuses to engage a discussion of your concerns.

He may ignore or dismiss you, express fatigue with you (and your concerns); he may listen without offering a thoughtful, respectful response, and then credit himself for having listened, perhaps even listened at a length he may complain about.

In any case his unthoughtful, lazy, dismissive, or flat-out non-response to your feelings and concerns captures the essence of stonewalling and will reflect his pure contempt for which he’ll take no responsibility. ~ Excerpt from: www.lovefraud.com

Anyways, I can see I’ve seriously got off topic, and in this case I reiterate that I believe 100% Gabby’s quote has absolutely nothing to do with ‘stonewalling’.

stonewallI have in fact engaged in practising silence toward certain people in the past who I believed had displayed some of the sociopathic/abusive tendencies in order to protect myself, and also to disengage from the negative and painful situation of the time.  I DO NOT believe I have ever stonewalled. I tend to talk too much and am considered a ‘nagger’ by some people, and on reading some of the articles on the psychopath, I can also see what has appeared as nagging has been my desperate attempt to be heard, so I get the whole expression of  ‘banging your head against the brick wall’  as mentioned in the ‘love fraud’ article.

Isn’t it bizarre how one comment from a reader can take you down an unknown path? An unknown path that leads you to exactly where you are meant to be, or a path that shows you something that in this moment you need to know, even if sometimes we aren’t quite ready for it. In my case, the universe thinks I am, combine that with the curiosity that runs through my veins, it pushed me to investigate the term ‘stone wall’.

So, lovers and dear readers of Gabby’s insta feed, I wholeheartedly believe that Gabby’s quote has NOTHING to do with stonewalling, but I do thank the reader for her comment, and alerting me to a term I’d not heard of.

It’s opened a whole heap of other doors, and made me more aware. I’m totally fascinated by the human psyche, and will be doing more investigating.

Here’s to another lesson learned in this crazy journey called ‘life’.

  1. What has been your experience with stone walling?
  2. Had you heard of this term before?

Love to hear your comments as always <3

Peace out ✌

xo Peace Warrior 

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One thought on “because I’m so fucking curious, and cannot think of a better title :-)


  1. Mmm, I’d heard it before but not really considered it’s true meaning. Thanks for the education xo

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